Commonly, I will be answering one question when someone comes up to me and asks the same exact question that I just answered. Which is fine if you really didn't hear it all.
But what really cooks my noodle is when two people (who didn't come together) are staring at me. One asks a question and the other waits:
Visitor 1: "Where is the tour?"
Me: "At the top of the hill."
Visitor 1: "OK. Thanks." (This part is optional. Half the time people simply walk away when I've answered their question.)
Now Visitor 2 steps forward.
Visitor 2: "Where's the tour?"
This happens more than it possibly should.
There is also this situation, which happens at least five times a day:
Visitor 1: "Where's the tour?"
Me: "At the top of the hill."
Visitor 1: "OK, so the tour is at the top of the hill, right?
NO. It's NOT. I just told you that to CONFUSE you.
Back to writing, Mila, just get back to writing...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Creepy Men
Tour guides have to deal with creepy men. And since you're a tour guide and you're basically being paid to talk to and be nice to people, they get more leeway than in real life. In real life, if you're taking pictures of me with your phone, your phone will soon be under a bus.
But when I'm at work, I kind of have to deal with it since photographing me is obviously allowed.
So when a guy comes up to me and says,
"Wow, you girl guides sure are hot. Prettier than Betty Boop."
I kind of have to deal with it.
But there is a line that cannot be crossed.
"Where do you live? It's OK to tell me - I'm a cop in Jamaica."
Yeah...see...that doesn't make sense.
But when I'm at work, I kind of have to deal with it since photographing me is obviously allowed.
So when a guy comes up to me and says,
"Wow, you girl guides sure are hot. Prettier than Betty Boop."
I kind of have to deal with it.
But there is a line that cannot be crossed.
"Where do you live? It's OK to tell me - I'm a cop in Jamaica."
Yeah...see...that doesn't make sense.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Holdin' Stuff.
Security makes sure no alcohol gets through. Knives and shotguns are OK. But no booze.
This angers a lot of people. Enter the couple who brought a bottle of wine for dinner later on. Enter the recent graduate with a keg.
So if I'm in the bookstore, I get asked to hold wine a lot. Expensive wine. This is pretty typical, but I don't like to hold expensive shit because then I might be accountable for it later on. I usually say "no" when someone wants to put something behind the counter.
But right now I'm watching a watermelon for some lady.
She didn't want to bring her watermelon. And I figure hey, it's a watermelon. It's not some rare wine. Fine, I'll take it. And it's sitting there like a deformed baby leaning against a Civil War book.
And it's mocking me.
This angers a lot of people. Enter the couple who brought a bottle of wine for dinner later on. Enter the recent graduate with a keg.
So if I'm in the bookstore, I get asked to hold wine a lot. Expensive wine. This is pretty typical, but I don't like to hold expensive shit because then I might be accountable for it later on. I usually say "no" when someone wants to put something behind the counter.
But right now I'm watching a watermelon for some lady.
She didn't want to bring her watermelon. And I figure hey, it's a watermelon. It's not some rare wine. Fine, I'll take it. And it's sitting there like a deformed baby leaning against a Civil War book.
And it's mocking me.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Word Count: 12,619
Tomorrow I have bookstore all day. Which means I'll get plenty of...
WRITING TIME!!!
However, my writing will be interrupted constantly by this one harrowing question:
WHERE IS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY FERRY?!
Foreigners just walk in and say, "Stat-ooo leee-bear-teee???"
It is apparently the question that drives every single burning heart.
I don't mind answering the question. A lot of people come a long way to see the bitch. But I DO mind when people try to steal my maps.
Since the question is asked about once every minute (sometimes more), I have a small map of lower Manhattan with my building circled with your typical "YOU ARE HERE" over the bookstore I'm in and a dotted arrow going towards Castle Clinton, which is where you get tickets to see her. (In all honesty, the STATEN ISLAND FERRY is better. It's a free boat ride and you go right by the statue. I tell tourists this as much as possible because I don't like when people spend money.)
Now, I only have one of these little maps, and I never let anyone hold it, and I kind of keep it really close to me when I tell people where to go. But so many people try to MOLEST my piece of paper. They want it. They gotta have it. Problem is, I only have one copy, and there are about a billion other people with the same exact question.
Then people complain that we don't print maps.
We are a tourist site! Why would I create a bunch of maps on how to LEAVE my tourist spot to get to ANOTHER? I still want, you know, a job! That would be like Coca-Cola giving out coupons for Pepsi and then giving you a map to the Pepsi-Cola plant.
12,619 words. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Mila.
WRITING TIME!!!
However, my writing will be interrupted constantly by this one harrowing question:
WHERE IS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY FERRY?!
Foreigners just walk in and say, "Stat-ooo leee-bear-teee???"
It is apparently the question that drives every single burning heart.
I don't mind answering the question. A lot of people come a long way to see the bitch. But I DO mind when people try to steal my maps.
Since the question is asked about once every minute (sometimes more), I have a small map of lower Manhattan with my building circled with your typical "YOU ARE HERE" over the bookstore I'm in and a dotted arrow going towards Castle Clinton, which is where you get tickets to see her. (In all honesty, the STATEN ISLAND FERRY is better. It's a free boat ride and you go right by the statue. I tell tourists this as much as possible because I don't like when people spend money.)
Now, I only have one of these little maps, and I never let anyone hold it, and I kind of keep it really close to me when I tell people where to go. But so many people try to MOLEST my piece of paper. They want it. They gotta have it. Problem is, I only have one copy, and there are about a billion other people with the same exact question.
Then people complain that we don't print maps.
We are a tourist site! Why would I create a bunch of maps on how to LEAVE my tourist spot to get to ANOTHER? I still want, you know, a job! That would be like Coca-Cola giving out coupons for Pepsi and then giving you a map to the Pepsi-Cola plant.
12,619 words. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Mila.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Be Nice...
Here is what tour guides do to mean, mean visitors:
1. Direct you to the bathrooms that we know are dirty
2. Tell you about the worst or most expensive programs
3. Say, "We're out of those" when we really have a stash of product X beneath the counter
4. Recommend the food cart that we know is infested with roaches and will give you indigestion
If you come up to me and demand a map, and then complain about the one I give you, or maybe complain that tours should be given more often, or maybe you don't like the fact that you can't bring your dog, well then, guess what - I'm going to guide you to the facility with the toilets that spray your asshole with a strange orange juice when you flush...yeah, the one where the sinks don't work until you hit it for a while, and then it sprays hot water everywhere.
You will then be so petrified that you will be tested for HIV.
Like on your face.
You've heard of being nice to the waiters, yes? Well be nice to the tour guides.
1. Direct you to the bathrooms that we know are dirty
2. Tell you about the worst or most expensive programs
3. Say, "We're out of those" when we really have a stash of product X beneath the counter
4. Recommend the food cart that we know is infested with roaches and will give you indigestion
If you come up to me and demand a map, and then complain about the one I give you, or maybe complain that tours should be given more often, or maybe you don't like the fact that you can't bring your dog, well then, guess what - I'm going to guide you to the facility with the toilets that spray your asshole with a strange orange juice when you flush...yeah, the one where the sinks don't work until you hit it for a while, and then it sprays hot water everywhere.
You will then be so petrified that you will be tested for HIV.
Like on your face.
You've heard of being nice to the waiters, yes? Well be nice to the tour guides.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Confederate Confusion
Sometimes all the tour guides dress up like Civil War soldiers. We even have rifle muskets from the time period that we carry around. One of the guides...let's call him Corey, dresses as a Confederate.
About a week ago, Corey was dressing in his Confederate uniform. He had his rifle musket leaning against his locker while he tied his shoe.
As Corey was down there, Jacob (name also changed) went into the bathroom to do his business. He startled Corey, who jumped up and bumped into his rifle musket. The damn thing then fell on Corey's head.
Corey suffered a concussion and had to be taken to the hospital. An ambulance was called for him. WHILE HE WAS DRESSED AS A CONFEDERATE.
My boss feared that the gun might go off or explode or something, so the fire department was also called.
While Corey was in the hospital, he called his roommate just to tell him what had happened. But Corey didn't explain it very well. He simply said, "I'm in the hospital...I got hit in the head with a gun." The roommate didn't know what was going on, and so he assumed that Corey got pistol-whipped by some gangster.
The Moral: The next time you dress as a Confederate soldier, lean your rifle musket against a wall.
I really, really wanted to see the look on the doctor's face as Corey was rolled in to the ER while wearing that sad sack.
About a week ago, Corey was dressing in his Confederate uniform. He had his rifle musket leaning against his locker while he tied his shoe.
As Corey was down there, Jacob (name also changed) went into the bathroom to do his business. He startled Corey, who jumped up and bumped into his rifle musket. The damn thing then fell on Corey's head.
Corey suffered a concussion and had to be taken to the hospital. An ambulance was called for him. WHILE HE WAS DRESSED AS A CONFEDERATE.
My boss feared that the gun might go off or explode or something, so the fire department was also called.
While Corey was in the hospital, he called his roommate just to tell him what had happened. But Corey didn't explain it very well. He simply said, "I'm in the hospital...I got hit in the head with a gun." The roommate didn't know what was going on, and so he assumed that Corey got pistol-whipped by some gangster.
The Moral: The next time you dress as a Confederate soldier, lean your rifle musket against a wall.
I really, really wanted to see the look on the doctor's face as Corey was rolled in to the ER while wearing that sad sack.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Fliers and Signs
A lot of my time is pointlessly wasted in:
1. Making fliers and signs
2. Laminating fliers and signs
3. Taping up fliers and signs
And all these fliers and signs contain the following:
1. When the tours begin
2. Where the tours begin
3. How long the tours are
4. Arrows pointing to the direction of the tour
And, of course, most of the questions I personally receive aren't about history at all:
1. Where is the bathroom?
2. Where can I get water?
3. Do you have a map?
4. Can I have a map?
5. Why can't I have a map?
6. What about the map that YOU have?
I would like to make one last and final flier and post it everywhere. It will not contain any pictures, cute boxes, or exclamation points. There will be no promises and no arrows. My new and improved flier will say:
ALL QUESTIONS CAN BE ANSWERED BY SIMPLY WALKING AROUND AND USING COMMON SENSE
Of course, sometimes I get some strange questions. Those are always entertaining.
"What is your nationality?"
"What is your phone number?"
"Where do you live?"
"Can you tell my son that you met Yogi Bear?"
"How old were you when you realized you wanted to do this with your life?"
With my LIFE? Are you serious???
First day of school tomorrow. Have to finish a scholarship essay, but I'm putting it off.
1. Making fliers and signs
2. Laminating fliers and signs
3. Taping up fliers and signs
And all these fliers and signs contain the following:
1. When the tours begin
2. Where the tours begin
3. How long the tours are
4. Arrows pointing to the direction of the tour
And, of course, most of the questions I personally receive aren't about history at all:
1. Where is the bathroom?
2. Where can I get water?
3. Do you have a map?
4. Can I have a map?
5. Why can't I have a map?
6. What about the map that YOU have?
I would like to make one last and final flier and post it everywhere. It will not contain any pictures, cute boxes, or exclamation points. There will be no promises and no arrows. My new and improved flier will say:
ALL QUESTIONS CAN BE ANSWERED BY SIMPLY WALKING AROUND AND USING COMMON SENSE
Of course, sometimes I get some strange questions. Those are always entertaining.
"What is your nationality?"
"What is your phone number?"
"Where do you live?"
"Can you tell my son that you met Yogi Bear?"
"How old were you when you realized you wanted to do this with your life?"
With my LIFE? Are you serious???
First day of school tomorrow. Have to finish a scholarship essay, but I'm putting it off.
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